A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
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sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!