I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
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In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Important
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.