Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
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Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*