Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
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I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Sounds like a bargain
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery