i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
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I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.