Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.

Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.

8-year-old: Why?

Me: For what you did last night.

8: You were supposed to forget about that.

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

Sorry. Not sorry

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes

Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.