A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
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Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
*watches the world burn*
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.