When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
You Might Also Like
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.