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If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Hero horse inspires millions
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.