Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
You Might Also Like
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?