No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
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Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…