Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
based al yankovic
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.