Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
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Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.