Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
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My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
hmmm
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!