as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Every work meeting this week
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
IT’S-A ME,
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.