Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
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I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
PARKOUR
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now