Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
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TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’