Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
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ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently