“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
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Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
#SuperBowl
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.