If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
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Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco