How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
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Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness