My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

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YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine


Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes


People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.


It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza


Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies


Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.


Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.


I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit


*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.