@AimeeHelene1

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

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@funflaps

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

@DrakeGatsby

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

@JennyJohnsonHi5

People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.

@wendchymes

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

@meganamram

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

@Reverend_Scott

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

@GoldenSpirals

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

@KevinHart4real

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

@ACartoonCat

*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.