[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
You Might Also Like
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Mhm.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
They did not think through this water fountain
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.