I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
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I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants