“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
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The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.