I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
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When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*