Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
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I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Are you ok, human???
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR