I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
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I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
based al yankovic
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.