In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
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I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.