“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
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5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
<—- homeless romantic
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats