My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
can’t wait til they legalize outside
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon