Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
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I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it