fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
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I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.