How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
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You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%