The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
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Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.