“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
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“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Cats (2019)
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.