Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
You Might Also Like
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win