I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
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I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
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You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
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Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?