I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.