*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
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Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”