*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
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“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
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Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Candles never taste the way they smell
I only say stupid things when I talk.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
man i love columbo
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[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Doctors texting each other.
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when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
Okay me first
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Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.