*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
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Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
things to call your girlfriend:
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.