Candles never taste the way they smell
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What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
just got my engagement photos
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy