If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
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Me recordaron éste meme
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
😲 WTF? 😆
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Stick it to the man
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed