What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
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If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
This made me chuckle.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.