This made me chuckle.
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Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Danger is very dangerous
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Okey dokey.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!