As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
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Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…