Cauliflower has a good publicist.
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A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Holy crap this is wonderful
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
12653.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT