“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
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Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
😂 amazing answer
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Breaking news:
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
…u ok Nintendo?
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism