I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
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A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*