What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
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[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕