I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
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Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.