Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
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[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Come back with a warrant
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.