honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
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Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?